His Approbation

For a long time, my core desire was to be “enough”, to feel seen, and know that I am loved (security & validation). I felt like the only way to have this was to be a perfect person. There was no room for error. I thought that my work could earn me the love, validation, and/or approval I so desperately longed for. I thought that if I did the right things I could fill the void I was experiencing. I was terrified of losing the approval my family and friends or of not being liked by the people in my life. I worked hard to maintain the appearance of being good enough, I didn't want people to see my brokenness - to be honest, I didn’t want to see my own brokenness.

I think in more ways than one, I conflated other people's approval of me as God’s approval of me. I thought if people validated me for doing the right things then God would too. I feared condemnation and making mistakes. But, after a while, trying to be perfect just left me feeling tired, unsatisfied, drained, and empty. I think eventually it led me to sin and farther away from God rather than closer to Him. I just felt broken. My pursuit of perfection and approval only made me more aware of my lack and my need to really experience the love of my Saviour. I knew that my desires to be perfect did not make me full, I knew that I needed to just surrender my brokenness to God. I needed to trust that His grace would cover all. I also needed to learn what it meant that His power is made perfect in my weakness.

I began to surrender my life to Jesus in a new way. I realized that God wasn’t a scary authority that I had try and please. He was someone that I could experience a true relationship with - despite my flaws and imperfections He approved of me. That was the only thing that mattered. He approved of me and loved me, despite the fact that I would never be perfect. His perfection covered my imperfection.

Choosing to really know God allowed me to see His character. I realized that all the things I was looking for elsewhere - to be seen, known, and approved of, - was found in Him. He filled up the whole that I was trying to fill in my own strength and doing.

Now, I don’t have to long for anything when I truly abide in Him. Now, I don’t have to question my worth. Now, I know that I am loved. I am His daughter and that is more than enough.