Freedom

The end of 2019 promised me a great 2020. I finished University in August and began an incredible position a short month post-graduation. All of a sudden, my time was no longer dominated by essays. Fantastic.

The final months of 2019 were a true celebration, and I expected 2020 to keep the momentum going.

Instead, God humbled and grew me.

…

I cherished the highs based on who could see (and want) them. In private; I lived in shame. A lot of it.

I lead worship for my church’s addiction recovery group while battling addiction myself. The dirtier I felt, the more I would lean into the hollow image of excellence. But I wasn’t satisfied with this state.

2020 was the year I swore to myself I would get God to heal me; get Him to help me close the gap between the image I put out versus the person that I was. I wanted Him to fix me, but I needed Him to do so on my terms: swiftly and discreetly, before the cracks could become visible to the church.

That’s not how that worked out.

In February 2020, through tugging from the Holy Spirit and encouragement from a dear friend, I came to the conclusion that since I was unable to overcome my sin, the least I could offer God was to relent to His call to confess. This meant being honest with the staff at my church about my struggle.

So I did it. I set up the meeting with a pastor that I hadn’t had the easiest relationship with, with the intention to be absolutely vulnerable with him.

It was after an hour into the meeting I texted my friend for an update. I couldn’t do it, citing every reason under the sun: that I would handle it myself, or perhaps tell him later.

His response:
“Man don't back down. Remember that the sacrifice is worth it. Don't give yourself an opportunity to turn back; God brought you here and He will not let you down. Remember who it is who called you to do this! It was the Creator of the universe and the one who formed you intentionally for His purpose. He could never let you slip out of His grip as you follow what He's asked."

…

In the end, I told the pastor - with a shaky voice, and... Nothing happened. I wasn’t kicked out of the church and we actually never discussed it again. But in my surrender, God showed me grace fulfilled his promise set out in 1 John 1:9:

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

A few weeks later, I did what I had been fighting to do for over 3 years: I broke free. Easily, painlessly, and for good.

The mountain that had stared back at me for years melted to the ground, just like that, as soon as I shifted my eyes from the challenge before me, and unto the Lord to focus on what it was that He had asked for me.

2020 was among the clearest pictures I’ve ever gotten of the God of the faithfulness of God. He showed up when I stopped being concerned with outer perfection, and sought out the obedience fundamental relationship.

2020 was the year of freedom.